Transgender Voices by Lori B. Girshick

Author:Lori B. Girshick
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: University Press of New England

Telling

Because telling others about one's gender variance entails risk and vulnerability, it is a significant decision. When to tell, what to tell, and whom to tell are all weighty factors. Sherri Lynn (MtF) acknowledged that people she had known for a long time seemed the most confused, “because they thought you were just being you all those years and when you finally have to tell them, ‘No, I was pretending’…they don't understand when you tell them that was not the real me. I couldn't show the real me.” For Dave (male cross-dresser) as well, deception was too limiting:

[I]t's worse to not disclose that kind of thing because then I'm hiding. Then I'm secretive, which then leads itself to other kinds of secrets and not telling full truths and not being totally present with the person you're with. I don't want to do that. I want a real relationship this time, and it's gonna involve being, disclosing who I am completely.

Some people I spoke with felt that acknowledging their past was important. Jeremy (FtM) said he would “tell close friends simply because living as a girl and then a woman has been a significant part of my life experience.” Abe (FtM) agreed. “I feel it is a very important part of me and my history.”

Some struggle more than others with their decision. Kymberley (MtF) found that the stress before coming out “was starting to manifest itself physically in that I was having chest pains consistently every day, headaches would occur at least once if not two or three times a day…when I began cross-living, the headaches and the chest pains were gone within a week.” Others have less trouble wanting to be seen for who they are. Shannon (genderqueer) talks to new friends about both sexual orientation and gender identity.

If I don't say something, they're just going to see me as a “regular old dyke,” which I don't want—about as much as dykes don't want to be seen as straight. I don't want my gender identity to be invisible. And if they're going to be my friends, they need to know about—and be okay with—my genderqueerness. If not, they're out the door.

Max (transgender stone butch) keeps her gender journey a little more private. “I'll often let people think I'm a butch dyke or a man without feeling like I have to tell them about the intricacies of my journey. But when I get close to someone, I want to tell them more.” And Kyl (genderqueer) sometimes tells, sometimes doesn't. “It depends a lot on their level of experience and maturity. I don't usually ‘clarify’ for people who are confused—better to keep them guessing…and thinking.”

How people told others about their gender identity often went beyond the usual “I have something to tell you” conversation, or the explaining that is usually done in a more casual, private conversation. Sometimes way beyond. Joney (MtF) was outed in her court-martial, “so it is impossible to hide it now.” Melissa (male cross-dresser) was on an MSNBC investigative show called The Secret Wardrobe.

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